This question came from Scott in our Private Facebook Group who has been separated from his Wife for a year:
Okay Men – need some advice here. My wife and I decided to try to fix our marriage so about 3 months ago I moved back in and we tried to make it work. During the first three weeks I was back I learned she was still texting and chatting with another man she had been seeing and sleeping with. So, I moved out again. She blames me and says that she “ needs time” to “find herself.” She says she has no romantic feelings at all for me and that she still cares for me but isn’t “in” love with me. I want to save my marriage because I feel it’s the right thing to do for my children, biblically, and honestly I have tried to hang out with other Women but I just can’t bring myself to do it even though it’s been over a year. We have 3 young children so I really wanted to make it work, but I cannot get over her lack of respect for me as we are still married and she’s already been in a relationship and lying to me. Is this a lost cause Men? Do you think I should cut my losses and file for divorce? I think so but am struggling with this. Thanks in advance for any advice you may have for me!
Scott, There’s only one way to fix this Marriage in my humble opinion – and it’s a long shot! You have to move back into your home and in a very gentle, loving and extremely firm way, explain to your Wife that the BOTH of you should NOT break up your Family. Tell her that you both made a commitment to each other and your children and that breaking that commitment will do irreparable damage to HER – not to you. Let her know that you are going to recover and that you will be fine. Tell her that you are going to make a new home for your Children, you are going to recover financially and that you are going to have a lot of fun dating and then you are going to eventually find a new Wife that will accept you, love you and thinks you are the greatest Man she has ever been with. Explain this to her with love and a resolve that she sees is bedrock solid! Tell her that YOU will recover but you are concerned that she will not. Don’t point the finger at her and DON’T blame her. Admit that you were a deeply FLAWED Husband that didn’t know what he was doing. Tell her you made 100 plus mistakes as a Husband – you took her for granted, you didn’t recognize her beauty, you didn’t compliment her, you were not generous with your resources and your time, that you were a “taker” and not a “giver” during sex and that you did a terrible job of seeing who she was and how valuable she was to you. Admit this to her! Take 100% of the blame – Say, “I screwed this up but I know I can fix this but you’ve got to give US and our Children a chance to make this right.” Give her a timeline that you think you can live with: Ninety days, six months or better yet a year. Let’s say you pick six months you should say the following: “Let’s give this six months. I’ll move back in and I promise you that I will try as hard as I can to work on myself and be the Husband that you’ve always wanted me to be – the Husband that you deserve. I’ll also promise to completely forgive you for going outside of our Marriage with another relationship.” Look her in the eyes and say, “I can forgive you and I can let it go. I can! I’m a Man and I CAN forgive because I know that you would not have looked outside of our Marriage if I was doing my job as a Husband – and I wasn’t. Now in order for this to work you have to make a promise to me. You need to break off ALL ties right now with that Man. You need to remove him from your phone, block him or remove him on Facebook or any other means that you are communicating with him. No, not think about it – if you want to save our Marriage I’m asking you now to cut the ties with him now. Show me that you are committed to this Family for at least six months.” (take note: say this gently, softly, calmly and FIRMLY – show her your INNER Strength as a Man – take charge and with love, DEMAND that she do this. Look at her NOT with threatening eyes but with eyes that say this, “You are making a huge mistake. As a Woman you will regret forever that you broke up our Family with these small souls in our care. I WILL recover and have a wonderful and fulfilled life. I can move on and be extremely happy – I don’t need YOU to be happy.” And then say this, “If there is any communication, texts, messages or phone calls between that Man or any other Man then you need to know that I am through with YOU and this Marriage FOREVER and there will be NO going back for me! You can be sure about that. I mean NO other chances – one break of trust and we are over FOREVER. Are these terms acceptable to you?”
Now, many of you Men will tell me I’m crazy and that I’m asking Scott to do the impossible but it’s important to understand what’s happening here. Scott has never taken charge like this before. He’s never been so solid. He’s strong, commanding and loving. His Wife MIGHT respond to this approach – and she probably won’t but isn’t it worth a shot? Wouldn’t you rather know?
A Man cannot heal his Marriage unless he is willing to set the “Frame” with new terms and be willing to stick to those terms. She must be willing to come back into your “Frame” which you never should have abandoned in the first place.
Want to hear some good news? You are going to be able to rebuild your life. You are going to set up a new home for your children. You are going to have fun dating all kinds of interesting Women. And if you want to – only if you want to – you can attract a great new Woman or Wife and have a great intimate, supportive, sex-filled relationship that will be a great role-model for your children.
Remember, Divorced Men make great second Husbands!
Scott, We are all here supporting you, rooting for you and praying for the healing of your Marriage – Good luck, Sinc, MJ Durkin